A curious effect of talking to myself BLOG

Can I accept my power?

I will be frank. Today the answer to this question is apparently no.

I want too.I believe I should.

I have great arguments as to why I should and how important it is for me to.

I have great discussion points about how, when we accept our power, our world becomes a much better place.

This week I can see that I need to take myself to the next level.

When I look into the darkest corners of myself I find, to my surprise, enormous guilt about happiness, success and abundance.

After all these years and so much deep work, I am still apologizing and just writing these words makes me feel a bit nauseated.

Yesterday I gave a workshop on voice empowerment. While doing exercises with the young women, I could feel with my whole heart that I just wanted to see their power and their full potential come forth. “How come I prevent myself from going full force?” While I am asking myself this, the image of my mother comes to mind.

In this, I got the answer to my why question. I am surprised.

Even though I am writing this in an Amsterdam cafe, I feel teary eyes when I think about the amazing women in my family. I see them before my eyes, women from my family line. I have never met them, but I feel on my skin their accumulated experiences of punishment for daring to show their true power. Let’s not forget to breath.

I worked with this before, but today, I feel as if I need their permission.

Even before I finished writing this sentence, I see them giving me a yes, yes, yes in return, in rhythm, and singing (how else). I feel embarrassed from them. Feel guilty that I can and they could not. I want to say sorry that I am happy.

Sorry, that I live in a time and a city where I actually can take my power.

“We don’t need your sorrow” they say. ‘’We need your enthusiasm, we enjoy that much more”.

The chanting of “yes, yes, yes, go, go, go” is stronger and unanimous.

They enjoy expressing themselves through me.

Estafette. Relay runner. It’s my turn, even my duty to take it as far as I can.

What do I have to do to accept and activate my full power? I wonder, permission? Self forgiveness? Love? Acceptance? Support? Creativity? All of the above?

They ask me if I will accept my power and honour them? Will I bring it to my conscious mind every day until it is second nature? Will I introduce this knowledge into our family line?

“Yes, yes, yes, go, go, go.” I sing back to them.

 

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